TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be incredible. Great!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We have experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. Several of the very best. But now, we are developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from location. Built by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour till the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have A different put where American Males can dress in robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international coverage analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful below the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: supply Anyone a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


Based on files released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each individual device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It's that he should cease utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the task, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved Trump Tower Damascus a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from Room, a feature remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Strategy: "Should you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also incorporate:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD might have convert-down company."


A further article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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